I wrote this in January 2016 on one restless night while feeling incredibly nostalgic.
Lately my mind has been boarding the nostalgia ship quite often and my mind has sailed away with me, leaving me with bittersweet memories and a mourning heart. My thoughts run deeper than the ocean and the memories of you play on repeat in my head like my favourite movie that I never want to end. So many different things and people remind me of you, which makes it impossible to let a day slip by without me thinking of you. A few months have passed but yet it feels as if it was just yesterday when I was pestering you with questions about how things used to be when you were younger, I could never get enough of all the stories you used to share with us.
I remember the morning where the whole family gathered around your bedside. The sun rays that were shooting through the blinds were hot, but yet your feet remained so cold. If I close my eyes I can still feel your old hands and I held on for dear life hoping you wouldn’t drift away from us that day. But of course, you made it through the night because you were such a strong individual, and although we stayed up all night with little or no rest, we didn’t mind because you are someone worth losing sleep over.
If there was one thing I wish I could have done differently it would have been to tell you more often how much I loved you even though I’m pretty sure you already know that. Apart from that there is nothing else I would have done differently. Out of all the billions of humans in this world, you were by far my favourite! You taught me how to enjoy the simple things in life and how to live simply which greatly humbled me. In my mind I regularly send you messages in a bottle and when the latest one I sent you eventually reaches you it will read “I miss you so much and all the grains of sand that rest on every shore cannot come near to the amount of love I have for you. I wish we had more time together, even though I was fortunate enough to spend endless hours with you.”
Yes, my eyes do still fill up with tears when I picture you when you were younger and healthier. Within seconds a tsunami of emotions hits me and it’s so overwhelming that it knocks me off board and drowns me. It drowns me with the kind of sadness you feel when you long to be in the company of that certain someone just to hug them one more time, make them coffee one more time, hear their voice one more time, or make them feel cared for one more time. Luckily I’m wearing my lifejacket which helps me to resurface and brings me safely back to my senses. When my eyes are finally dry once again I know that my trip on the nostalgic ship is coming to an end and at the end of each trip I AM OKAY. Never better, never worse I am always just OKAY because I cannot bring you back and that’s the only thing that will make it all better. Nevertheless, I am slowly starting to understand that it was your time, the time for you to reunite with your loved ones once again and of course to be with your lover to continue your endless love story. I hope you know that like the ocean, you were loved both widely and deeply and you will most certainly live forever in our hearts and in our thoughts.
This was dedicated to my late Grandfather who would have celebrated his birthday on the 1st of April.
RIP Pa “Ozzy”.
(My Grandpa was a fisherman and loved the sea so using the ocean metaphors seemed fit)0